


B1 Battalion

by flyingfalconflower12-crackfic-pseud (flyingfalconflower12)



Category: Bee Movie (2007), Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Original Trilogy, Star Wars Prequel Trilogy
Genre: B1-series Battle Droids (Star Wars), Banthas (Star Wars), Crack, Crack Relationships, Deliberate Badfic, Fire, Fluff and Crack, Guns, I'm Bad At Titles, I'm Sorry, Jawas (Star Wars), Other, Robots, Sandcrawler (Star Wars), Shooting Guns, Tatooine (Star Wars), Vines, Written for a Class, Written in Class, this literally makes no sense
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-23
Updated: 2019-05-23
Packaged: 2020-03-13 06:51:48
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 821
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18935662
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingfalconflower12/pseuds/flyingfalconflower12-crackfic-pseud
Summary: A bunch of B1-series battle droids are stranded on Tatooine when their ship crashes in the sand.  Will they make it back with all their parts?Literally just a crack thing I wrote for English because we were instructed to write something funny.  It's really stupid lmao





	B1 Battalion

To any outsider, the crashed starship would look deserted.

 

At least, for the first few minutes.

 

The flames surrounding the wreck create a sort of halo rising from a sand.  A beacon in the dark of the night.

 

In the Tatooine midnight, nobody stirs--not even a mouse droid.  Although almost nobody on Tatooine has a mouse droid. They just end up getting lost in all the sand.

 

When the sun rises over the horizon, the flames are still going strong.  A piece of the little starship was pushed aside, creating an opening--a survivor!

 

A single B1-series battle droid, B1-K4R3N, nicknamed “Karen,” is pushed out of the wreckage, rolling onto the sandy ground.  She unfolds slowly, stretching out her limbs.

 

Another droid, B1-Y33T, called “Yeet” by his fellow B1 droids, climbs out onto the sand, kicking the first one aside.  “Move aside, move aside,” he says in his automated voice.

 

Karen glares--well, as best as a B1 unit can glare.  Yeet saunters away. Karen snaps her fingers angrily.

 

Two more droids climb out of the destroyed ship, B1-series rocket battle droids named B1-84RRY-8-83N50N and B1-CHUN6U5--”Barry” and “Chungus,” respectively.  They turn back to help the last droid, B1-4N4K1N, out onto the ground.

 

“Anakin,” one of them says.  “You seem to be missing your legs.”

 

“Roger roger,” he replies.  They move to set him on the ground, but he flails.  “I am an independent thinker. I do not like sand. It is coarse.  It is rough. It is irritating. It gets everywhere.”

 

“Roger roger,” says Chungus.  “I will place you on my jetpack.”

 

“Wait.”  It’s Yeet.  He points. “There is a large furry animal approaching very quickly.”

 

Barry looks up.  “Roger roger. It appears to be a bantha.  I am an independent thinker. Besh is my favorite letter.  ‘Bantha’ starts with a ‘Besh.’ Therefore, I like banthas. I will go to the bantha.”

 

“No,” says Karen.  “The bantha is coming to us.  It is here now. Anakin can ride the bantha.”

 

Anakin shakes his head.  “No,” he says, but Chungus lifts him up and places him on the bantha.

 

“Roger roger,” says Chungus.  Anakin crosses his arms.

 

The flames have died down a bit, so Chungus looks up.

 

“There were two R2 units inside of our ship.”

 

“Roger roger,” replies Yeet.

 

Chungus starts to walk back to the ship.  “We can disassemble them for parts. We can build a device to get back to civilization.”

 

Karen puts her hand on Chungus’ shoulder.  “Roger roger,” she says. The two droids walk back into the flaming rubble and return a few minutes later with four deactivated and singed R2-unit astromech droids.

 

Barry immediately rips the wheels off of one of the droids, attaching them to a broken piece of the ship.  “We can build a vehicle,” he says. “It can be pulled by the bantha.”

 

“Roger roger,” say all the others in unison.

 

The droids--well, all except Anakin--get to work.  The vehicle they end up building has eight wheels and a little chair-like thing in the back.  Yeet declares himself worthy of sitting on the chair, and Karen, Barry, and Chungus all stand in front of him.  Barry hooks the vehicle to the bantha using parts from the R2 units, and Anakin tells him to go.

 

They travel for about a week because banthas are slow, complaining and arguing amongst themselves.  Karen and Chungus start a tentative romance--well, as much as droids with limited independent thought ability are able to.

 

_ On the seventh day, God rested from all his work which he had done.  And he blessed the seventh day, and sanctified it: because in it he had rested from all his _

_ work which God created and made. _

 

Just kidding.

 

On the seventh day, the droids’ vehicle breaks.  One of the wheels falls off into the sand. Anakin climbs up onto the bantha’s head to search for people who might provide assistance.

 

“Look,” says Anakin, pointing.  “There is a trading post in the distance.”

 

“Roger roger,” says Barry.  “We will go.”

 

“But it is very far away,” says Yeet.  “There is also a Jawa sandcrawler approaching.”

 

“Roger roger.  That is a better option.  We can ask the Jawas for assistance,” replies Chungus.

 

“Roger roger,” Karen says.

 

Barry hovers in the air using his jetpack, waving his arm to flag down the sandcrawler.  Chungus flies up next to him, holding Karen in his arms bridal-carry-style. The sandcrawler slowly turns toward them, and eventually it reaches the droids.

 

“M’um m’aloo,” says one of the Jawas cheerfully.

 

Anakin translates it to mean “Hello” in the Jawa Trade Language.  “Would you provide assistance?” he asks.

 

The Jawa looks up.  “Nyeta.”  _ No. _

 

The last thing the droids see is a group of Jawas holding blasters before blasterfire rings out in the quiet of the desert.

 

“No.” says Anakin, decidedly less dramatically than in George Lucas’ addition to Revenge of the Sith.

 

Everything goes dark.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm really sorry for putting you through this. While you're here, please leave comments and kudos. I really don't know what to say. Thanks for reading, though


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